Before anyone @s me in the comments (which I’ve turned off, so eat my dick), I have probably done this as well and am dreadfully sorry for doing so. When you’re a struggling (cough), failing musician, you get obnoxiously excited about every little step in the direction that involves you not having a day job. I get it. So please understand that I’m not laughing at you; I’m laughing at us. Also, I’ve seen enough memes, screenshots, Reddit threads, and, I think, one Hard Times article that makes fun of musicians doing this same thing, so as far as I care, it’s fair game. We can all agree it’s annoying, and we should stop. Oftentimes, when you see a social media post of your favorite local band saying "big things coming," ten out of ten times, it’s never anything your average music consumer would consider "big." A new song is not a big thing, that’s the last thing you did.
But I’m not here to just talk shit and drink whiskey. Your fans (all five of ’em) do care about you finally having your performance therapy and finally paying your bills. They want to see you succeed. If for no other reason than you’ll stop asking them to “get this round.”
However, I think it’s time you all realized what your average person would consider a "big thing" that is indeed "coming," so you know when to make this inevitable social media post to try to get your five fans to tell their friends that their loser friend might have finally caught their big break.
You Got Signed to a Label That Actually Gave You an Advance
This is really the only big news your fans want to hear. You got the signature. You got the contract. You made it. I mean, you could still die in obscurity from a drug overdose. Signed artists go nowhere all the time and sometimes end up in debt to the label, but it’s the first step toward an actual career. I hate to say it, but it’s true. People just don’t buy enough physical music for you to get by simply from selling your wares. Unless you’re living rent-free at your poor girlfriend’s house like a young Bob Dylan, you need the machine to help churn out your product and give you the opportunities. Also, tiny indie labels don’t count. Think about it. That really doesn’t mean anything to your fans. You’ll still be playing local bars at half capacity, but now, the records you’re selling at the merch table will have a little indie-label logo on them—no difference to them, really.
You’re Opening for an Act That People Actually Know
Again, do not try to drum up interest for opening for a local act with only 5,000 more Instagram followers than you. In the eyes of the normie, you and the "bigger" act you’re opening for are basically the same. Unless you got asked to go on tour with Modest Mouse or The Decemberists or, against all odds, got chosen to be the teeny, little local support at the bottom of the bill for Nine Inch Nail’s Moda Center appearance, just keep it to yourself.
You’re Breaking Up
Honestly, I have never seen bands do this, and this is quite literally a big thing. Definitely a thing your fans will want to know about. Too often, local groups just sorta fizzle or fade away without so much as a tweet. I honestly think this is the funniest thing a band that’s packing it in could do. For any of you folks reading this who are gonna throw in the towel anyway, I say go out with a nice little parody of everyone’s favorite annoying band update.
Someone Actually Famous Is Appearing on Your Track (or Vice Versa)
This is more for folks in hip hop and pop, but hey, I knew a band that got Miki Berenyi of Lush featured on their track. That’s an actual “big thing.” Or not, if you don’t give a shit about Lush, so hey, it’s all relative. If you’re a rapper, and you’re getting featured on your other unsuccessful rapper friend’s track, again, I can’t stress enough how much your friends won’t care. Now, if you’re asked to do a verse on a Tyler, the Creator song, even if they don’t care, they’ll at least be impressed.
Your Song Is Appearing in a TV or Movie (That People Will Actually Watch)
Again, the magic words here are that it has to be something that people will actually watch. We’re not talking about your drinking buddy’s student film or some microbudget horror film with just enough nudity to get some casual browsers to select it on Netflix. We’re talking about something that’ll actually appear in theaters or a TV show that has more than zero online discourse about it. I hate to say it, but you know what the ultimate "big thing" would be, is getting your song in a fucking commercial. Sure, it might not give you that much street cred, but it would definitely give you a lot of cold, hard cash. Besides, the stigma of "selling out" died with Gen X. We’re trying to pay rent here.
