Yes, holes. I’m not talking about the kind people fuck, but I guess if you’re bold enough, you could give it a go. No, I’m talking this time, on the deepest reaches of our planet. Places that go so far down, you would, lacking scientific instruments, just be like, "damn." While obviously, digging pits, burrows, and holes has long been a practical necessity in our existence as a species, some people went way nuts with this, and also, Mother Nature has, er, "blessed" us humans with some perplexing depths as well—some which can even seem unnatural, despite being the craft of natural forces...

For the past year, I’ve grown wary of having to share living quarters with people. I’ve been better as a solitary person anyway...when you try coaxing me into a house with you as a friend by saying things like, "It’s a big house; you’ll have your own space!" I know that’s bullshit because you’ll have more of a chance to bother me that day, and I just want to be left in peace and have the ability to choose when to be bothered by you.

I also don’t like sharing yards or walls. I’m not a hermit—I swear. I just don’t want to hear my downstairs neighbor’s dog(s) bark on repeat every day anytime someone walks up. The mailman now throws my packages at the door because he doesn’t want to cause the dog to make a ruckus. Which then lets him and I share a wave through my second-story window. Like I’m being kept prisoner, and he’s waiting for the signal to bail me out...

Before anyone @s me in the comments (which I’ve turned off, so eat my dick), I have probably done this as well and am dreadfully sorry for doing so. When you’re a struggling (cough), failing musician, you get obnoxiously excited about every little step in the direction that involves you not having a day job. I get it. So please understand that I’m not laughing at you; I’m laughing at us. Also, I’ve seen enough memes, screenshots, Reddit threads, and, I think, one Hard Times article that makes fun of musicians doing this same thing, so as far as I care, it’s fair game. We can all agree it’s annoying, and we should stop. Oftentimes, when you see a social media post of your favorite local band saying "big things coming," ten out of ten times, it’s never anything your average music consumer would consider "big." A new song is not a big thing, that’s the last thing you did...

Traditionally, tipping strippers has been done by throwing dollar bills on the stage while they dance. To be sure, making it rain remains the primary method of tipping at the strip club, but advancements in technology have opened the door to other possibilities. Cash App and Venmo have made the electronic exchange of currency between individuals incredibly simple. Hell, you can even pay for drugs that way these days, so you can sure as hell use those apps to tip dancers if you don’t have access to cash. If you get creative, I’m sure you can think up plenty of acceptable ways to tip a stripper, and if you’re at a strip club, you damn well better be tipping. That’s not what I’m going to write about this month, though. Instead, I’m going to rule some things out for you. Here are some ways you absolutely should not tip the strippers...