What $350K can get you in the Pacific Northwest (Seattle and Portland edition)!
For the past year, I’ve grown wary of having to share living quarters with people. I’ve been better as a solitary person anyway...when you try coaxing me into a house with you as a friend by saying things like, "It’s a big house; you’ll have your own space!" I know that’s bullshit because you’ll have more of a chance to bother me that day, and I just want to be left in peace and have the ability to choose when to be bothered by you.
I also don’t like sharing yards or walls. I’m not a hermit—I swear. I just don’t want to hear my downstairs neighbor’s dog(s) bark on repeat every day anytime someone walks up. The mailman now throws my packages at the door because he doesn’t want to cause the dog to make a ruckus. Which then lets him and I share a wave through my second-story window. Like I’m being kept prisoner, and he’s waiting for the signal to bail me out.
Life sharing space with people is hell for me. And with 4.3 million people in Oregon and nearly 8 million in Washington, finding real estate that doesn’t require you to share a wall is hard to come by and not cheap. With that, I thought I’d go into what $350K can afford a person nowadays if you’re like me and want a stand-alone, single-family house. That’s (apparently) about what my partner and I can afford and what I am hoping to get. We plan on buying very, very…very soon. I’m dying here. On with the shack show…
Starting the shack count in Seattle...for a cool $250K, you can be the proud owner of this adorable houseboat. I’d honestly call this more of a boat with a bed than an actual houseboat, but the description says that the layout "really packs a punch," so maybe I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. It brags about a flat rooftop, which may or may not also be included in its 450 square feet of living space. Come see it today before she’s sailed off by some other lucky sailor!
Ugh, guys, I feel bad about saying this, but even after checking all of the “home types” on Zillow in Seattle and going to several other property sites, I realized there were literally no stand-alone homes at this price. A carport costs $65K in Belltown. So I raised the budget up to $500K [insert large vomit noise]. With that, it raised my options a pube hair…
For a smooth $499K, you have the luxury of owning this structure with no value whatsoever. The value is all in the 9,600 sq ft lot! It was extremely misleading for the agent to list this as 1,587 sq ft and 4 bed 3 bath...who does that?!
Now, don’t get too discouraged—it gets worse before it gets better. I’m just not sure when or if it will get better sooner or later…
$480K in Seattle will also buy you this charming 1,200 sq ft single-family bungalow. Don’t let the outside fool you, it’s worse inside. Kind of like people. Actually…it’s a great analogy for a city. Ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside. At least you always know what you’re getting.
I was getting pretty bummed out looking at Seattle real estate, so I switched it up and dove down to Tacoma and put the budget back at $350K. You’d be surprised what money can get you if you just decide to not mind about the constant smell of poop and miasma coming from the recycling or garbage facility there. This charming home, for instance…
At $350K, this 3 bed 2 bath beauty can be yours. You just have to live in Tacoma and always smell poop.
Further south, down to Portland—where I’ll actually be looking—my money goes a bit further. Similar to Tacoma, and sometimes even further. Take this “charming cottage” as an example of what $310K can buy you. All you have to do is fill it with your hopes, dreams, and any financial security you have.
Like Seattle, there are several houseboats listed in this budget (and most are at least 1,300 sq ft in this price range). But let’s stick to houses here. Portland likes to have a lot of auctions for…er…folks from the state below Oregon to come purchase with cash. It kind of leaves a person like me, who has to literally apply for grants and FHA programs to help supply the funds, out to dry.
There’s this one house, for instance; it’s a behemoth. I know where it’s at, and it’s an awesome house. But it’s been in “auction status” for two years. It’s just sitting there!
Last but not least, for $199K in Portland, I can afford this “uninhabitable house on flat land.”
All I have to do is tear down this shack, live in a tent for a bit, and slowly start building my future dream home bit by bit...since wood is now a luxury and Taco Bell is soon to be the winner of the franchise wars (super deep, pretty unrelated, cut).
So there you have it. What I have to look forward to, and possibly you, as well. Together, we can share in the awe and misery that is the PNW housing market, and unless we plan on living in Tacoma or eastern Oregon—I don’t think our options are going to get much better from here. I wish us all luck. Just know you are not alone, and your real estate agent is not the only person you should hire to help you when trying to find a home. I swear, they’re trying to put us all in condos and row houses…
Hannah One Cup can be found on Zillow and RMLS, where she’s trying to find the right concoction of filters to find her perfect shack. She hopes to find one with at least two bedrooms and a yard for her dogs. If you know of any, she’s also very responsible, and she and her partner are stable adults with good incomes. Also, based on the title of the article, now you know her budget (it’s $350K if you can’t remember). Just in case you have any leads or know a guy…
