Man, getting a column in print is so cool ’cause I actually got to do horny reviews on three movies that were nominated for best picture. Well, I almost only got two best movie reviews, but Companion was so unforgivably tame that I scrapped the whole review in favor of a movie that I was in no way expecting to get a boner off of. Once again, readers, The Brutalist has a good amount of nudity and fucking in it. Go see it!
Not only that, but there’s some warm, fuzzy feeling I get in my dick, knowing I have a review in print of the movie that won best picture at the 97th Oscar Ceremony that aired just about a month ago. Suck it, high school friends that I’m still Facebook friends with! You all thought I’d amount to nothing and made fun of me for getting caught jerking off to porn in the middle of class. Who’s caught with their dick out now?!
Not that I cared too much about the Oscars. Folks have complained about the ceremony for one reason or another for as long as I can remember. The latest gripe was about it being too white a few years ago. They solved that when Moonlight won Best Picture, despite what Warren Beaty said. They added ten movies instead of five because, in 2008, The Dark Knight and Wall-E didn’t get nominated. Now fucking Marvel movies are getting best picture noms. But all of this pales in comparison to the real egregious omission from Oscar nominees and winners. NUDITY! FUCK SCENES!
And this seems like a regression. The first (and only) X-rated film to win Best Picture was all the way back in 1969 (nice) with Midnight Cowboy. You’d think the sea change would happen there with mainstream movies having more nudity, more fucking, more hardcore shit, more penetration shots, and overall more horny movies with horny themes.
It didn’t quite pan out that way. Porn became more chic in the ‘70s with Deep Throat and Behind the Green Door, but it didn’t really stay in the award-winning mainstream.
As you can tell from the few pieces I’ve reviewed here, I’ve frequently bemoaned the lack of good, wankable mainstream films of late. It felt like the horny police won. Zoomers aren’t having sex. Everything is problematic—etc., etc.
But after watching the Oscars this year and remembering last year’s, I see a pattern that sticks. See, everyone was going to assume that Demi Moore’s GILF ass was going to win. She definitely gets a whole lotta naked in The Substance, but rarely is it…horny naked. Her boobs, fake or not, look great, though—her ass…not so much.
But no. It goes to Mikey Madison, who gets all kinds of horny naked in Anora! (See my November 2024 piece.) She spends the first half of the movie mostly or fully naked, and although we don’t get to see any bush or merkin, we do get to see her get pounded in somewhat graphic scenes. And she got the award for Best Actress.
Does anyone remember who got the award for Best Actress last year? It was our darling, giant-eyed, cat-human hybrid herself, Emma Stone, for Poor Things. If I was hired last year, I definitely would’ve given Poor Things a high eggplant rating because that movie is just non-stop horny scenes. Fuck scenes galore and an amount of nudity that any normie would call gratuitous. And unlike shy little Mikey, you get to see Emma’s bush (or merkin, but who cares, it’s mainstream shit, so we can take what we’ll get). Good, long, horny fuck scenes, too. And not too much dick to make it not as wankable.
She gets the award for Best Actress.
Is horniness allowed again? Can mainstream movies finally have more tits and ass and fuck scenes in them and also get Oscar gold? I mean, two years in a row definitely shows a trend forming. This isn’t a one-off fluke like in ’69 (still nice). I would bet my meager stock market earnings that all the A-list actresses are gonna get wise and start getting naked, even if the role doesn’t call for it. Maybe Sophie Thatcher will finally show us dem titties. Hey Megan Fox, you want that Academy Award? You saw what Emma and Mikey had to do.
I think things are finally turning around. Sorry I took up a whole issue gushing about this, but I think for the next few months, I’m finally gonna have some good material to write about. I’m looking forward to 2025’s offerings of Oscar chasers and nuttin’ proudly to each of them before writing about them here.
Let’s goooo!
1 honorary eggplant for the Oscars
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
