Let’s get this out of the way now: I need everyone reading this to be super cool and agree to let the ideas in this list remain funny in theory. Let’s not bring them into the real world. They’re not so funny in the real world, and there’s a good chance security will end up roughing you up on the way out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m counting on you (yes, you!) to do your part and not make me regret writing this.
Traditionally, tipping strippers has been done by throwing dollar bills on the stage while they dance. To be sure, making it rain remains the primary method of tipping at the strip club, but advancements in technology have opened the door to other possibilities. Cash App and Venmo have made the electronic exchange of currency between individuals incredibly simple. Hell, you can even pay for drugs that way these days, so you can sure as hell use those apps to tip dancers if you don’t have access to cash. If you get creative, I’m sure you can think up plenty of acceptable ways to tip a stripper, and if you’re at a strip club, you damn well better be tipping. That’s not what I’m going to write about this month, though. Instead, I’m going to rule some things out for you. Here are some ways you absolutely should not tip the strippers.
Coins
Years ago, comedian Daniel Tosh explained in his stand-up that "making it rain" is "basically when you throw cash on the hoes," after which he commented, "I like to make it hail. That’s when you throw change at sluts." Now, I like Tosh as a comedian, but as is the case with the majority of his jokes, this one is funnier as a joke. I know people who have thrown change on stage, and I’m telling you, it’s never well received. If you need to get rid of your loose change that badly, take it to a Coinstar. Speaking of...
Coinstar Vouchers
Okay, if the Coinstar voucher is worth a high enough dollar amount, you might be able to pull this one off, but even then, it’s risky. Because of how Coinstar works, the cash vouchers issued by their machines can only be redeemed at the specific store where that particular machine is located. If the voucher in question is worth, say, 100 bucks, and it came from a Coinstar that’s located like a block or two from the club, that’s still annoying since the stripper you want to give it to still has to make a special trip to go redeem it, but you might be able to pull it off. Probably not, just to be clear, but never say never. On the other hand, a 5-dollar voucher issued by a machine located 10 miles away? Don’t try to make that dancer throw it away for you. Find a garbage can and toss it yourself.
Video Lottery Cashout Slips
These might be the least objectionable items on this list, but only if done right. I’ve had customers tip me with lotto slips before, and I sure as hell didn’t mind. First off, only tip with a cashout slip that came from a lotto machine from that club. Like Coinstar vouchers, lottery slips can only be redeemed at the establishment where that slip originated, so don’t go trying to send that dancer on some bullshit side quest. Unlike Coinstar vouchers, however, there is a notable exception in the case of lotto slips. In the state of Oregon, lotto slips valued over $1,250 have to be redeemed at prize centers in either Salem or Wilsonville, which would mean a bit of a trek, but I’m willing to bet tipping a dancer that kind of money might just take the edge off the sting of having to make that drive. What you absolutely should not do, under any circumstances, is feed the lotto machine a dollar at a time and immediately cash out until you have a hundred dollars worth of one-dollar cashout slips and proceed to make it rain cashout slips on the stage. As I’m writing this, I’m imagining having to validate all those tickets one dollar at a time at the end of the night, and it has me seeing red. Do this at my club, and I solemnly vow to inflict physical harm on you.
Loyalty Reward Punch Cards
I don’t care if it’s for your favorite frozen yogurt chain, smoothie joint, coffee shop, or whatever else, this one would be unbelievably obnoxious, and exponentially more so if the punch card in question doesn’t even have all the punches or stamps necessary to redeem it. Put the fucking card back in your wallet, and hand that dancer enough to buy that froyo or smoothie or coffee herself, if that’s something she actually wants.
Gospel Tracts
If you’re reading this magazine, I’m guessing the probability that you’re out there trying to tuck a gospel tract into a stripper’s g-string is somewhere in the ballpark of infinitesimal. Then again, there are a whole lot of church pews in the world that get farted on every Sunday by hypocrites and charlatans, so who knows? I grew up in church. I was a preacher’s kid. I’m painfully aware of just how oblivious some Christians are to how counterproductive it is to hand out gospel tracts. That’s not to say I disapprove of wholesale ministerial outreach. The ladies from Xpose Hope, who come into the club wearing their "Jesus Loves Strippers" t-shirts and hand out goodies, have always been, in my eyes, nothing short of pleasant—and I daresay they’ve done a better job of representing the Jesus I always thought I was reading about growing up, than the overwhelming majority of Christians I’ve ever known. After all, Jesus said, "By this shall all men know that ye are My disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:35). By contrast, Jesus was conspicuously silent on the subject of handing out literature with an aim to proselytize. I’m guessing because he considered it such an astronomically stupid idea that it didn’t even bear mentioning.
Food Stamp Card
A year or so ago, while judging one of DJ Dick Hennessy’s stripper competitions, I actually witnessed a guy tossing his food stamp card onto the stage. I thought it was hilarious, and luckily, the dancer who received the card was amused. All’s well that ends well, but I’d say this one is a roll of the dice. While everyone got a kick out of it when I saw it happen, it worked as a bit because its charm was borne of its novelty. I also get the feeling that the novelty of this bit has an extremely short shelf life, and it will wear out its welcome very quickly. Try it at your own risk, but if you do, at least make sure there are funds on the card, and write the pin on the back first.
Listen, you’ll never go wrong with good, old-fashioned cash. If the dancer has Venmo or Cash App, that’s good, too. That’s all actual money. Dancers can pay their rent and bills and feed themselves with actual money, which is the point of the job those dancers are at the club to do. Beyond that, you’re playing with fire. If the cash alternative you’re thinking of offering as a tip has low monetary value, or it’s a pain in the ass to redeem for said monetary value, maybe rethink that idea and take a stroll to the ATM instead.
Nate Hazen is a bouncer, writer, eccentric creative loner, and, as of April 3, a brand-new stand-up comic. Come to X Exotic Lounge next month to catch his first-ever stand-up comedy performance at Tits & Giggles, presented by Strip City!
