In light of last month’s election results and in anticipation of this next administration, I've decided to do something a little different for my last entry of 2024. It appears that the people have spoken, and bombast, demagoguery, and empty rhetoric have won the day. So, rather than hem and haw and wring my hands or breakdown in debilitating depression, I came to the enlightened conclusion that the strong adapt and overcome. It appears that Project 2025 is not only gonna happen but basically signed off on by a majority of the population. Since democracy has once again failed, there is not much to do on that front. But I can take note and try to push through my own ridiculous, non-data-driven action plan to Make Portland's Music Scene Great Again. Website to follow, with several high-paying positions like California Immigration Officer and Spotify Release Cycle Tracker. The budget for these salaries is yet to be determined, but I assume I can just throw insanely high numbers out there, just like the Project 2025 website, and see what sticks. Money isn't real, and everyone be lying anyway, so…when in Rome.
The biggest obstacle to the success of all these hard-working Portlandian musicians is that the market is saturated with too many bars pretending to be venues. On top of that, we got Live Nation and some local folks making plans to build their competing "mid-sized" venues in town. Portland doesn't need more venues. We have enough. Shitty Kinko's posters are stapled onto every telephone pole as far as the eye can see! The reason your friends don't come to see your shitty band is there are too many other shows happening that same night! We gotta trim the fat! Drain the swamp of venues without a proper PA system. And on that note…
Portland has enough bands. I once read a stat that I may or may not have made up that says there are 10,000 bands in the Emerald City. There are around 500,000 people in this city. That leaves only 50 audience members per band. Unacceptable! No wonder nobody goes to see your band. There are literally not enough people! The math ain’t mathin'. We will start issuing band permits. Our numbers are far too high. Only a thousand bands will be permitted to exist in the city limits. That leaves 500 audience members for each band. Much better numbers. Anyone caught performing without a band permit will be deported from the city limits. And speaking of deportations…
One thing I noticed about the music scene in Portland is that we show the fuck up for live music…when it's not from here. Crystal Ballroom, Revolution Hall, Arlene Schnitzer, hell Moda Center, and even smaller spots like the old Doug Fir. We always come out for out-of-towners. Yet, where is this love and support for our shitty, local acts? I don't wanna hear anything about how the reason they're turning up to these touring acts is that they’re “signed” and “have a following.” It’s immigrants taking our jobs! Going forward, we will implement steep tariffs for any musical act trying to perform here without one of the aforementioned band permits. These dirty foreigners will no longer be poisoning the blood of our vibrant music community.
Speaking of immigrants poisoning the blood of our vibrant music community, we need to build a wall to defend against the most dangerous immigrants of all. The Swedes! Specifically, Daniel Georg Ek, CEO of Spotify and digital Viking Marauder. The reason our red-blooded working-class Portland musicians aren't making any money at their craft is because it's all available for (basically) free online. All the revenue that is getting generated from your hard work is going to some Baltic Coastal Liberal Elite! No more! With this action plan, we are going to block any and all access to this and all other streaming services. If you want to listen to your favorite softboi singer-songwriter, you're either going to have to pay to see him live (if he has one of our band permits), or buy one of his fucking albums like a goddamn adult! But only if it's one of three acceptable physical media: vinyl record, compact disc (otherwise known as CD), or non-fungible digital token. We're bringing it back, baby! There’ll be no funging in our new Portlandia made great again.
Notice that in one of the three acceptable media for which you can purchase music, I didn't mention cassette tapes. That's because they're dumb and stupid, and we are going to ban them from ever seeing the light of day in our great green city! Who the fuck thought cassette tapes were due for a comeback? What is appealing about the aesthetic? Muddy audio quality that diminishes over time? Having to stick a goddamn pencil in the little spool to wind it up so it'll work again? We'll have no more of this nonsense in this great land, where the Columbia and the Willamette Rivers meet. Nobody even has a fucking cassette player anymore. What is the point? Clearly, this is a psyop by the same devious meddlers who keep making '80s nights a thing. Those are also banned, by the way.
We're gonna Make Portland's Music Scene Great Again! Just you wait! You've never seen anything like this plan—or, rather, this concept of a plan. It's gonna be great! Trust me!
