The year is 2024, and the current president is still the guy from The Big Lebowski, Jeff Bridges, and he forgives people like me for forgetting his name because he sometimes does, too. He and Vice President Aubrey Plaza are handling world affairs quite well. War hasn't broken out in any country for several years, all thanks to the new law passed, The Dolly Parton Act, with an astounding 95% of voter support, which required everyone in the world to pass a reading and comprehension test that proved they were indeed smarter than 5th graders. This took all countries several terms of office to accomplish due to many generations of families refusing to deal with change and believing book learning to be for "those hoity-toity bigwigs." These individuals also didn't vote, however.
Dolly Parton headed this mission as Lead World Educator (a new position invented by the current administration). This made older generations second guess their decision to be illiterate by choice…with a slight bit of grumbling. Dolly provided free books and VHS tapes to the entire world with the money provided by the Rothschilds, who started to donate over 90% of their profits and hoarded gold to arts and education after banks completely failed. Everyone now lives on a bartering system where money really isn't useful anymore, but everyone seems to really like burying gold.
Amazon and Tesla have both gone bankrupt and are defunct companies due to the Dolly Parton Act, and neither of the company's owners passed the assessment and are unable to be rehabilitated. They are both now in prison but performing useful functions to the public, like cleaning up beaches and screwing in lightbulbs.
Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr, aka Snoop Dogg, is the World Peace Bringer. (Another new position created by this current administration while they were all in a room together, not getting high, because Snoop Dogg doesn't do that anymore. That, however, doesn't mean gin wasn't involved during this meeting.) Snoop goes around to various countries that don't like the new laws being put into place in America and helps those countries' governments and citizens understand why reading is as important as peace and that following the new laws of their land would benefit their future offspring. His speeches are known to cause tears of new-found understanding at some gatherings.
The world’s population starts to get younger, and babies start getting born again after Snoop and John Lithgow go around to the men of each country and explain why the female population doesn't want to procreate, let alone be touched by them. The males of the countries start implementing kindness and empathy in their approaches towards people they are attracted to, which then leads to entire countries of people being at peace and then wanting to have amazing, consensual sex.
They need these older gentlemen to explain this topic because the current generation of young men is still learning to comprehend what they are reading before attempting to get philosophical (they appear to still be reading the headlines of news articles and then posting long rants online about what they read when they hadn't read past the font size 24 of the article's headline). Dolly Parton is working her darndest on this group…
John Lithgow doesn’t really have a title currently, but he’s simply known as the Beloved Grandpa of the People. He is adored and listened to by all he encounters because everyone remembers him from 3rd Rock from the Sun, the most underrated show ever to exist. It’s now a huge hit, especially in places where VHS tapes are still being used and TiVo is still in some households.
Aubrey Plaza does a lot of heavy lifting with the feminine population—both male and female. She has empowered this group of people with the knowledge that "no" is the most powerful word in the world and that they should act as powerful as that word. She has many public talks where she stands on a podium and just shouts "NO!" which gets everyone's attention and leads the crowd to also chant "NO!" It's a common occurrence after these public talks that everyone who attends goes out to find things to say "no" to, on purpose and with vigor. Sometimes, going as far as saying "no" when being offered free samples at Costco.
Jeff Bridges' common household nickname is "America's Dude," and it's never said with malice or disgust by other countries. On the contrary, most countries like the current administration in America so much that they attempt to create governments of similar style with individuals that have personalities very close to what the five "leaders" in America have. No one is really known as a "leader" anymore; in fact, Jeff really prefers just being called The Dude and is trying to change the actual position title of President of the United States to "The Dude." He likes the way it sounds, and he believes it makes voting seem more enjoyable if the positions of power sound more relatable and personable. He also doesn't like that he takes away any publicity from the band Presidents of the United States of America because he really likes that one song and respects them too much.
The Dude likes to have dinner parties in people's houses as he gets to know the common man because, like everyone else, he is not being paid money and instead works on the bartering system, which has been in place for a few years now and is going pretty well. This also allows him to get a free dinner once in a while as payment for something nice he's done. His latest nice thing was legalizing all drugs and prostitution. This made some people upset at first until he explained that everyone should have a right to do whatever they please, whether for money or enjoyment. Pimps, now out of a job since Aubrey Plaza’s “NO!” talks, have started taking college classes on finance and are sometimes hired by their previous employees to be their bookkeepers. Drugs are now created and sold by private businesses that aren't governed by the government and, instead, have their own say on whether they limit their supply and who they can and won't supply to. Ingredients are listed on everything so that everything remains transparent, and a trusted group of scientists with no agenda one way or the other test the substances to make sure they aren't actively trying to kill people.
The Dude didn't want to have a hovering government over privatized businesses, so he decided to let the people have their own say on things. His motto is "Live, Laugh, or Leave"—as in, if you aren't happy with the current situation, find a way out.
Yes, 2024 is a year of continuing hope and ever-present freedom for all people. Equality is second only to empathy, and the only people in the three existing prisons are those who still refuse to agree with this view. Many politicians and celebrities did not meet the cut, as seen with Tesla, Amazon, and Diddy. But many were able to be rehabilitated with Dolly Parton’s VHS tapes. With 2025 on the horizon, we can only hope that the next year is as good as the last.
Hannah One Cup can be seen in public, daydreaming about her perfect, hypothetical world but still attempting to remain unfortunately grounded in this one. It leaves her sleepy most days, and sometimes, she talks to herself in public because the two worlds collide. She likes Arizona Green Tea because it's still 99 cents, and brings that with her to her D&D sessions, where she plays a one-legged samurai named Samurai Lt. Dan.
