Anora [Review]

Sean Baker strikes again with a fresh batch of content for Pornhub’s “celebrity” section! Of course, it might take a while to upload 'cause movie studios are IP Nazis, but rest assured; we'll finally see a lot more entries for Mikey Madison in Mr. Skin. Sadly, we don’t get any full-on erect-dick penetration glory of 2012’s “Starlet.” It seems like Mr. Baker is trying to clean it up for that normie appeal. It's such a shame for us old-school fans of his who enjoy some more-than-gratuitous nudity in our mainstream movies. However, even though there’s less fappable screentime in this one than “Starlet” or “Red Rocket,” it still delivers!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Almost in spiritual synch with the last film I covered for this nudie rag, this film begins with ASS. Opening shot right after the first few titles—ASS, ASS, ASS, and more ASS. If you're reading this in your favorite local dick-hardening establishment, you might recognize the setting immediately. We are in a House of Flesh, and it is Happy Hour! I was honestly caught off guard. More often than not, normie films don't start off with jerk material. I embarrassed myself in the theater a bit, dropping my popcorn and beer as I fumbled to undo my pants right out the gate. Apologies to those sitting next to me, who I clumsily elbowed as I tried to fish out my travel lube from my pants pockets. I simply wasn't expecting a buffet of stripper ass to roll by in the opening shot, offering up a variety of options: thong, fishnet, thong-and-fishnet, bare. You’d think a French woman was directing this one. From the first few minutes, I’m honestly surprised this was made by a straight, white dude, who has been described as an “ally” by several women who’ve worked with him.

I will say there was a disappointing lack of bush in the opening smorgasbord of skin. We did get a few good tit shots (some pierced, too!) and, of course, the aforementioned assapalooza, but due to not a lot of truly full-frontal, I’m unfortunately going to have to take some points off.

Also, another thing I’ll have to ding this film on is realism. I read a lot of articles about this film, heaping praise on it for being an extremely accurate depiction of sex work. A lived-in and empathetic portrayal of strippers and the work they do. Realistic my ass! This opening scene showed multiple instances of dudes in the private dance room touching the dancers! Hand-on-ass! As a frequent customer of many of our fine establishments, I am well aware of the rules, as I've tried to bend them several times and been kicked out.

I even interrupted my rushed wank session to grab my phone and quickly google the strip club etiquette in New York. I couldn't find anything conclusive and apologized profusely to my neighbors for breaking phone etiquette in the theater before putting my dick back in my hand. The opening tits and ass-fest goes on for a good, long while. Still, don’t let this opening scene fool you with its artistic license. After seeing this, I went straight to my favorite adult entertainment establishment to see if maybe Oregon followed suit. Sadly, no, and once again, I was asked to leave for "being a creep." I even asked if she liked Sean Baker movies in the private dance room, and she lit right up! If that isn’t an invitation to touch the dancer, I don’t know what is. The bouncer and her disagreed.

Maybe now that Trump is headed back to the White House, that'll change in January. Surely, along with making groceries and gas cheaper, he'll also legalize touching the dancers at the club! Let's go, Mr. "grab 'em by the pu..."

Back to the movie, one brutally realistic part of that opening strip club scene was when our heroine takes a customer who says he doesn't have any cash to the ATM. I myself have tried that line many times at the club, and those wily strippers always pull that move. I feel seen, Sean Baker.

Besides the club scenes, we do get a decent number of fuck scenes between Mikey Madison and whoever plays the Russian kid. I thought it was a little unfair that we get to see Russian kid's wang, but no bush shot from Mikey. For shame, Sean. Also, the fuck scenes are annoyingly brief. Hot, but brief, like they're only in there to punctuate the whirlwind romance at the beginning of the film, with some explicit shots of true intimacy. Lame! This is the dude that made "Starlet!" Where's my unsimulated sex scenes, Sean? I thought you were supposed to be edgy!

Although I was almost ready to seal this baby with an as-of-yet unawarded five out of five eggplants, the film did drag during the last half. The few quick bang scenes weren't abundant enough to get a nut off, and then the roars of laughter and cheers from the audience during the second half of the movie really killed my boner. I assumed they liked something dumb like the “story” or the “themes,” but the nudity-less last hour of the film didn’t do squat for me. Even the fuck scene at the end was fully clothed! I thought this was going to be our reward for going through such a masturbation drought. I thought he was gonna get straight pornographic. Nope. Clothes stay on. They don’t even kiss. Then she like cries for some reason. Just like me when I have sex!

3/5 eggplants