I'm back, fuckers! I've taken a three-month hiatus from bringing you the quality bouncer-related content you've come to count on when picking up the new Exotic issue every month, but I assure you it's been time well spent. I've made a few changes in both my living and work environments, and now that I'm all situated, it's back to the grind. I had intended to continue my philosophy series with an article about Aristotle, but that dude can wait. I'll return to philosophy eventually, but for now, something a little different.
It occurred to me recently that not all bouncers are cut from the same cloth. I've crossed paths with all sorts of security professionals over the years. Some of those varieties deserve big, sarcastic air quotes around the word "professional," while others are truly deserving of the label. This month, I'll be listing several species of bouncer and some characteristics that can help you spot them in the wild, sort of like the Sibley Guide that bird nerds like my younger brother use, but for identifying bouncers instead of dumb-ass birds.
The Mall Ninja is a good species for beginners, as they are easily recognizable. This guy always regretted not joining the military and made up for it by going to work dressed like a giant dork. He wears the bulkiest body armor money can buy and adorns it with a massive assortment of unnecessary accouterments that almost completely go unused but that he keeps around because he might need them someday. On any given mall ninja plate carrier, you can find some combination of the following: gun, backup gun, knife, backup knife, extra ammo for the guns, extra ammo for the knives, stun gun, handcuffs, extra ammo for the handcuffs, pepper spray, batons, flashlights, first aid kit, extra ammo for the first aid kit, tourniquet, body camera, extra ammo for the body camera, nunchucks, and morale patches bearing xenophobic slogans, micro-aggressions, and threats of violence. There's usually a punisher skull somewhere on the mall ninja, if not on his armor, perhaps on his hat, or among the more enthusiastic of the species, possibly in tattoo form. It has been theorized that the mall ninja's plate carrier is meant to serve the same purpose as a bird's brightly colored plumage, namely, to attract a mate, but that theory has never been proven and likely never will because, seriously, who the fuck is sleeping with this dingleberry?
This species definitely takes full advantage of the free meals offered to veterans on November 11th every year. He buys his t-shirts from companies like Gruntstyle that put American flags on the sleeves. He served, and there's a zero percent chance that fact will have escaped your awareness; he won't allow that. Spend enough time around this guy, and you'll end up knowing the names of the dudes in his platoon in Iraq. He wears shorts made by cutting off the legs of his camo uniform. You can break off a conversation with him by thanking him for his service and wandering off. That's the validation he was seeking anyway. He likes being a bouncer because it reminds him of standing fire watch in boot camp.
If you go out with any degree of regularity, you'll wind up having your ID checked by a Pacific Islander. In his standup comedy, comedian Adam Pasi, who is of Samoan heritage, refers to nightclubs as "Samoan embassies" and calls Samoa "an island that produces 100 percent bouncers as its population." And he's really not exaggerating. There are a lot of Islanders in this city working security at bars and clubs. Think Maui from Moana, but dressed in all black. These are the nicest dudes on the face of the earth until you force them not to be. The only person I'd be more scared to fight than an Islander is the crazy fucker that would even think about messing with an Islander.
This species wants to be Tyler Durden so badly. There's a Fight Club poster on his bedroom wall, and sometimes, he has confusing dreams about Brad Pitt. He goes to Brazilian jiu-jitsu classes 5 days a week and aspires to be a UFC superstar. He listens to Joe Rogan's podcast religiously and wears Tapout and Affliction shirts to work. Brawlers almost universally have terminal cases of cauliflower ear. De-escalation isn't a concept that has ever even crossed his mind; the opportunity to fight motherfuckers at work is the whole reason he became a bouncer in the first place. Employing this guy will eventually cause an establishment's insurance premiums to skyrocket.
The Slacker is employed, and nobody around him really knows how or why. You could rip a fat line of schneef right in front of this species, and he'll be too distracted by cat videos on TikTok to ever notice your presence. Any time there's actual security work to be done, you may as well do it yourself because the Slacker can sense it coming and will instinctively go on a break. This species can only exist in symbiosis with another bouncer, specifically one who will work hard enough to pick up the Slacker's, well...slack. Some specimens may be more insidious than others and could be classified as parasites. Parasitic Slackers will drive their harder-working coworkers to quit out of the frustration that can only come from doing all the work but being forced to split tips.
The Casanova could be considered a subspecies of Slacker. Where the Slacker fucks off merely for the sake of fucking off, the Casanova is on a mission: chasing tail. The only reliable quality of the Casanova is the certainty that he will ignore work in favor of spitting game at every woman within his sphere of awareness. While the other bouncers are busy getting their teeth knocked out busting up a kerfuffle likely started by the Brawler on the team, the Casanova is blissfully unaware of that fact because he took the earpiece from his radio out of his ear while convincing yet another cutie to save her number in his phone.
Well, that's all for this month. Armed with this guide, venture out and see how many of these bouncer species you can spot! Now, this list is by no means exhaustive. There's a shitload of different varieties of bouncers out there, and maybe I'll follow up down the road with another edition of the Bouncer Species Field Guide. But until then, happy hunting!
Nate Hazen is a bouncer, people watcher, and wholesome degenerate. You can find him working Sunday nights at X Exotic Lounge and several nights a week at Dixie Tavern, where he’s made a hobby of terrorizing the 18-20 fake ID crowd.
