We all know the story (well, many of us do) about the French Revolution. The non-noble people of France decided they wanted their say in government, specifically by creating their own faction in the Estates-General (basically like the US Congress or Brit Parliament). The creation of that faction called the "Third Estate" (the first being of clergymen and the second of nobles) existed to demand reform for the benefit of the common people, specifically taxes, as what we would consider the working class was being taxed heavily. They challenged King Louis XVI's authority, and he was pretty fucking pissed off about it.
The Estates-General basically just told the Third Estate to fuck off. So, in typical French fashion, they said, "Fine, we're gonna start our own assembly, with blackjack and hookers," and hung out in a tennis court (this is not a joke, they did this) and vowed not to leave until a constitution could be agreed upon, calling themselves the National Assembly of France, and declared all taxes illegal. Then, just a week or so later, more-or-less disenfranchised, a revolutionary fervor began spreading, and eventually, the people stormed the fortress prison called the Bastille. They freed all the unjustly imprisoned people kept within its dank walls in 1789, as it was both a symbol of the king's authority and a horrible place to sock away your political enemies, which constituted most of its inhabitants. The French still party about that every July 14th—Bastille Day. Because fuck you, Louis. Louis did agree to some very limited reforms, but it was basically the equivalent of ordering egg rolls and just getting a greasy bag of those fried chow mein noodles instead. People were even more angry and started to get ready to go to Bastille Day in all of Paris.
Frightened, the king appointed none other than Marquis de Lafayette to head the guard forces in the city. You may remember the Marquis de Lafayette from such revolutions as the American Revolution, in which he fought with and served under George Fucking Washington, the pimp of the ages and the reason so many cities have a Lafayette Ave.
Following all that drama and a lot of hemming and hawing, three years later, the monarchy agreed to accept the Third Estate and draft a constitution. After disputes about voting and the role of the king in appointing members of the reformed Estates-General (it turns out he said he should be able to pick whoever he wanted, surprise), people were still mad. Eventually, on September 1792, revolutionaries kick in doors and arrest the king. The king is brought forth to a tribunal of sorts, with absolutely no bias at all, I'm sure...and is found guilty of 21 charges, basically amounting to crimes against humanity.
Even if you know jack shit about the French Revolution, you know what happens next. Yeah, they cut his fucking head off...lots of heads were cut off. So began the First French Republic. Afterward, the so-called "Reign of Terror" (isn't that a Slayer album?) ensues, and for about a year, people thought to be counter-revolutionary are slain in thousands. Way to start a new government, guys. Eventually, things calmed down, and they started to settle into a new, fairly reasonable society. But then they went too far.
You see, they decided to listen to the scholars of the "radical Enlightenment" for ideas on how to reform their society. To translate in modern terms, the radical Enlightenment were basically like today's left-wing college professors, perched in their ivory towers and feeling they can solve the ills of the world, despite having been insulated from the workings of the real world and having no understanding of life outside academia. To post-revolutionary France, this seemed like a good idea. We, the French, had a successful revolution and created a brave new republic, so let's bring in some people with bold, new ideas to help us shape it in an egalitarian fashion, right? Equality among all (except for the French colonies, which were still under the yoke of bullshit). Well, this is where it all goes sideways.
These enlightened scholars decided, "Well, fuck this calendar," and decided to draft a new calendar, with the 12 months of the calendar containing three décades, instead of weeks, of 10 days each; at the end of the year, they lumped five (six in leap years) supplementary days. The months were ordered in such a way as to have one corresponding to the Gregorian months of September and October, and they were
Vendémiaire (meaning “vintage”)
Brumaire (“mist”)
Frimaire (“frost”)
Nivôse (“snow”)
Pluviôse (“rain”)
Ventôse (“wind”)
Germinal (“seedtime”)
Floréal (“blossom”)
Prairial (“meadow”)
Messidor (“harvest”)
Thermidor (“heat”)
And last, Fructidor (“fruits”).
The names were the invention of poet Philippe Fabre d’Églantine, who was a notorious asshole and did not tip strippers. Each of the 360 days in the year was named for a seed, tree, flower, fruit, animal, or tool, replacing the All Saints' Day names and Christian festivals. This was deliberate, as they wished to divorce society from religion...because, fuck them fools. In the immortal words of Saint Ron Popeil, "But wait, there's more!"
Changing the calendar was not enough, though, and this is where we get to my main thesis. They tried to change TIME ITSELF.
Citing the "practical and logical" change to the calendar, they needed to change the structure and form of the days as well.
How on Earth would one do that? Well, let me tell you the grandiose ideas put into place alongside this.
Time, you see, while immutable, is subject to re-evaluation on how to properly perceive it. They said to themselves, tongues firmly planted inside their own assholes, that time needed to change how it was observed by the citizens of post-revolutionary France.
This leads to the invention of Republican Time. Republican Time replaced the traditional 60 seconds per minute, 60 minutes per hour, 24 hours in a day model with something vastly different.
What they did was re-align time. One hundred seconds per minute, 100 minutes per hour, and 10 hours in a day. This "reasonable and egalitarian" form of time was supposed to be to the benefit of all French citizens. Pro tip: it wasn't. It's basically a study in political arrogance. The rationale was to make time:
• More "rational."
• More egalitarian.
• Destroying religious consciousness in the new Republic.
The point, or one of the points, was to make churchgoers unaware of when then-Sunday was, so that they might be confused as to when the 7th day, the day of worship, actually happened, as it was just another weekday within a ten-day week. This was endorsed heavily by so-called experts of the time, notably one CG Romme, a professor of physics. Fucker can physically get shot out of a cannon. Many mathematicians and astronomers chimed in and stated that, yes, this was indeed a GOOD idea. They cited that the new Republic was to divest itself from the old ways and bring France to the forefront of reason and progress.
The preliminary thing that made people go, "Wait, what?" was the change in time of the New Year, which is typically January 1st, to September 22nd, which was the "founding of the new French Republic." The French were very nonplussed by this and mostly still celebrated on the traditional date, but also on September 22nd. Two New Year's in one year. Twice the wine. Vintners were making bank...I guarantee you this.
They also abolished holidays as which related to saints or other religious matters, leaving people even more confused. Furthermore, the average Frenchman absolutely HATED the new system. "What?! Henri, I gotta work for 9 days instead of just 6?! Le fuck?!" Special clocks were made which had a notation for the regular Gregorian time and the new Republican time. For those who could afford clocks anyhow, as they were quite expensive back then. Recall when we had to trade our VHS players for DVD players, and it cost a fuckpile of money? Yeah, it was basically like that. Someone made a change, and now we all have to pay to keep up, in the name of progress, of course.
For those curious, the French Republican week, or as they called it, décade, had the following days:
primidi (first day)
duodi (second day)
tridi (third day)
quartidi (fourth day)
quintidi (fifth day)
sextidi (sixth day)
septidi (seventh day)
octidi (eighth day)
nonidi (ninth day)
décadi (tenth day)
This continued for many years, alongside a number of other ridiculous ideas, which would take another entire article to cover.
The French First Republic continued to use this time system for 12 years until the coronation of Napoleon in 1804. Monsieur Napoleon had a lot to process, and two years later, in 1806, basically said, "This is the dumbest shit ever. We're going back to the time system that THE ENTIRE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD USES!" and abolished this by decree. So ends the era of the French trying to re-invent time itself.
Live well, and count your hours as 24 in a day.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a time skeptic, non-Frenchman, but avid croissant eater, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
